From an upset bride suing a dry cleaner over a loose stitch to fist-fighting teenagers or hostile civil disputes, de-escalating tense situations is part of Lecturer Christy Foley’s expertise as a legal mediator.
Christy FoleyConflict-resolution strategies can be useful for anyone, though. Whether it’s helping two friends in a disagreement or navigating a precarious environment, here are some of Foley’s recommendations for handling contentious conversations.
- Ensure your safety.
Before the mediation can begin, it’s paramount to first prioritize your safety before inserting yourself into a potentially hostile situation.
“If you’re feeling safe enough to engage, you can continue,” Foley says. “Sometimes, the conflict resolution will have to wait until later.” - Practice active listening.
When someone's talking, it's imperative to listen first. Listening actively means that when someone is explaining their side of a situation, you avoid forming a response already in your head or trying to anticipate what they’re going to say. Otherwise, you might miss key information. This is one of the most important aspects of mediation, Foley says.
“You're purely listening to what they're saying," she says.“You’re listening not just for their words, but also listening for their emotions — whether that's in their intonation, their facial expressions or their body language, whatever it may be.” - Reframe the situation.
After actively listening, follow up by reframing what they told you. Reframing is summarizing what someone said back to them in your own words to show you understand what they are saying. It can be helpful for the person to hear an outsider's perspective on their own dilemma. The final step of reframing is asking the person if your summary of their situation is correct.
“People really underestimate how effective reframing can be in getting others to calm down,” she says. “First, it shows them that you were listening well and truly understanding them. Second, it shows them that you care about understanding them correctly. If for any reason you misinterpreted what they said, they have an open opportunity to calmly correct you.”
Foley says she challenges her students to practice reframing at least once every day.
“In any conversation — if you want to be a better friend or coworker — reframing can be super helpful,” she says. - Get the whole story.
It’s important to hear both sides’ perspectives of the whole story. Ask questions and let them correct any misinterpretations, Foley says. When you’re new to mediation, you often don’t realize how differently people can perceive the same thing.
“Don’t take sides — ask questions that help people analyze the situation more thoroughly than their instincts have allowed so that you can help move each side toward a common ground,” she says. - Find agreeable solutions.
Don’t be shy about presenting potential solutions. The worst someone can say, in most scenarios, is no. Mediators will ask involved parties about potential solutions, why they wouldn’t work for them, and what they would propose alternatively.
“I always analogize being a mediator to doing a Rubik's Cube,” Foley says. “You have people on one side and people on another side, and your job is to get them all lined up so that all together, we can make a Rubik's cube. To do that, I have to figure out how to twist some people a little and twist the others a little, and then we can all work together. I think it's a really fun kind of people puzzle.”